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Review: Dear Ex (誰先愛上他的) (2018)
This was a nice movie, it was touching but also funny at times. I thought the characters had great chemistry with one another and it communicated a complicated yet subtle message through exploring its characters. I liked it.
Spoilers.
Story
In the aftermath of Song Zhengyuan’s death, his widow Liu Sanlian and his lover Gao Yujie (A-jie) were embroiled in a fight over the life insurance money. As all teenagers do, Song Chengxi was having a tough time living with his overbearing mother, and went to A-jie’s place to live. Still worried for her son, Sanlian would go to A-jie’s often to care for her son but would ask A-jie to hide that she had done anything. As the movie went on, we would see flashbacks in the characters’ lives, particularly their relationships with Song Zhengyuan.
After one particularly tough day, Sanlian went to A-jie’s mother and revealed to her that her son was gay, and a homewrecker. Sanlian had been feeling wronged to have lost everything after she gave up so much for her family.
To pay for Song Zhengyuan’s medical treatments, A-jie had borrowed money and gotten involved with a bad crowd. The loan sharks had broken A-jie’s foot and Chengxi called Sanlian for help. They took him to the hospital. However, it was the first showing of A-jie’s play, and he needed to make it. Sanlian and Chengxi took him and watched the movie. Sanlian understood that the play had to debut on that day because it was Zhengyuan’s birthday, and Zhengyuan’s musical contributions to the theater troupe was how he and A-jie had met. So the show was a representation of A-jie’s love for Zhengyuan. At the end of the play, Zhengyuan’s mother came to greet him with flowers.
Sanlian let A-jie have the insurance benefits, probably because she realized that he was in deep medical debt. Chengxi returned home to Sanlian and they reconciled. They also stopped seeing their therapist, who Sanlian thought was kind of useless. Chengxi said that his mother felt that the best way forward was to not really see each other again and to live their own lives.
The story itself was fairly simple, but it was more about the character journeys. Sanlian had to come to terms with whether her husband’s feelings for her were real, as well as trying to maintain a relationship with a son who hated her overbearing nature. A-jie reflected on his love but he also had to confront the fact that he was lying to his mother about his personal life. Chengxi also had to learn to pick up the pieces of the messy life that the adults had left him.
Production
The acting was really good. The characters themselves were good, but I thought they had great chemistry with each other, particularly Sanlian and A-jie. The editing was really interesting too, the way certain things were highlighted or blocked out with scribbles on screen, perhaps to frame it a certain way for Chengxi, the child in the situation. But that also gave the movie charm.
Characters
Liu Sanlian
Your typical annoying mom character. She hated A-jie for taking her husband and her insurance money and she would not let go of the insurance money. She was also overbearing to her son though in very typical mom ways. She wanted to clean his room, she wanted him to take his studies seriously etc.
Chengxi became very annoyed with his mom because she was making such a big fuss. Of course, it’s very embarrassing for your mother to make such a big commotion. He accused her of only caring about money, and he also later accused her of only marrying his father for money. Sanlian was exasperated, but she didn’t quite have the words to explain it. My interpretation was that she had already lost her husband, and half-lost her son. The only thing she could gain from her relationship with Zhengyuan was money. Practically speaking, she wanted the money to take her son to a better school overseas. But from an emotional sense, it was her only way of recouping her losses. She asked the therapist whether any of her relationship with Zhengyuan was real. That’s hard to answer. But whether or not it was real, he was not hers in the end. And for much of the movie, she felt that A-jie had stolen her son along too, so she felt that all she could get was the money.
When Chengxi was living with A-jie, Sanlian was constantly coming over to make sure the place was appropriate for her son, and to cook food for him. But she knew that Chengxi was angry at her so she needed A-jie to pretend that the food was made by him. While Chengxi was still angry at his mother, I think A-jie was more sympathetic to her. A-jie cared for his mom a lot, and he understood the sacrifice and worry that mothers go through for their sons.
Chengxi and Sanlian reconnected when A-jie’s foot was broken and they took him to the hospital, and then to the theater. During the show, I think Sanlian understood that A-jie did have true feelings for Zhengyuan, that he grieved just as she did, though he did have the benefit of being with him in his final days. But I think she understood that Zhengyuan did leave her something. She did have Chengxi, her son. So maybe that was why she was in a better place to yield the insurance policy to A-jie.
At the end of the play, A-jie’s mom came to greet him with flowers. Sanlian had originally outed A-jie to his mother as revenge. But at the end of the movie, I think she understood that no matter what, her child was her child. She would never give up on her son for something like that.
In a letter, it was revealed that Chengxi and Sanlian stopped seeing the therapist because Sanlian thought they didn’t really help. We saw that Chengxi went home and the two joked around, reconciling their relationship. This was a rough patch, but they’ll be okay.
Gao Yujie
A-jie was Zhengyuan’s lover. He was an actor at a theater troupe. Zhengyuan had left his family to live with A-jie, and when Zhengyuan became very ill, it was A-jie who cared for him. A-jie acted very chill and unbothered by Sanlian. However, when it came to Chengxi, he insisted that he respect his mother. A-jie reluctantly allowed for Chengxi to stay in his house, only because Chengxi wouldn’t leave. And he would wheedle him a bit here and there, chatting about the few things they shared in common, Zhengyuan.
In a flashback conversation with Zhengyuan, A-jie expressed his love for Zhengyuan, and asked what their relationship was. Zhengyuan insisted that they had to hide their relationship to protect the ones they loved, because A-jie liked Zhengyuan, but he loved his mother. He thought that him being gay would be a huge shock to his mother.
A-jie was very nonchalant about getting his leg broken, but he really wanted to make opening night for his play. We saw in a flashback that he had met Zhengyuan at the theater troupe. Zhengyuan taught computer science but was interested in music and he would donate instruments to the theater troupe. That was how he and A-jie met and fell in love. So that was likely why it meant so much to him to be able to act in the play.
I forgot when this happened in the play, but Sanlian told A-jie that she’d outed him to his mother, but I don’t remember A-jie having too big of a reaction. At the end of the movie, A-jie’s mother came to greet him with flowers. A-jie would have known that his mother knew about his sexual orientation but she still loved him. I thought that scene was very moving, for A-jie to realize that his mother’s love did not have limits.
Sanlian left the insurance policy to A-jie and A-jie thanked her but she ran away exasperated. But it’s implied that it was an amicable parting.
Song Chengxi
Chengxi was the son of Zhengyuan and Sanlian. He was very annoyed about his mother’s behaviour towards A-jie. He thought she was really annoying, and drawing unnecessary attention. He was also very annoyed with her at home. He thought she was really dramatic, acting like it was the end of the world whenever Chengxi wouldn’t listen to her. It got so bad that he ran away to live with A-jie.
All A-jie wanted was for Chengxi to get out of his business. But he was very particular about Chengxi being respectful to his mother. When living with A-jie, the times were quiet. A-jie would just buy food for him, let him do his homework, etc. A-jie would actually sometimes try to bother him a bit, like that scene where Chengxi was doing his homework and A-jie kept touching his things. A-jie expressed that if he was Chengxi, he would have been really angry at A-jie. I don’t know how Chengxi took that, but I think he understood that A-jie was more sympathetic to him than he might have expected.
During the movie, Chengxi was seeing a therapist. He struggled to open up, but he did on occasion ask questions. He was struggling with his relationship with his mother, but he was also trying to figure out what kind of person A-jie was, whether he was a good person or not. But there isn’t really a right answer to that. Yes, A-jie was responsible for taking his father away, but through his interactions with A-jie, Chengxi realized that he was just a man.
Chengxi called his mother for help when A-jie got his leg broken. In fact, A-jie was the most chill about the situation. The play was more of an experience for A-jie and Sanlian. But I think that time with his mother allowed Chengxi to calm down and understand that she wasn’t heartless, she was just suffering in a different way. Chengxi was Zhengyuan’s son, and A-jie was Zhengyuan’s lover, his husband. So what was Sanlian to Zhengyuan?
Before he died, Zhengyuan had gone to Chengxi’s school to take a look at him, but he didn’t want to approach him, saying he would do it after he got better. He never did. Chengxi’s relationship with his father was very muddy. I don’t think he hated him, but he was conflicted. But I think through this movie, Chengxi at least got some clarity over the other adults, his mother and A-jie. He understood that they were all grieving in their own ways because of their unique relationships to Zhengyuan.
At the end, Chengxi left A-jie’s and went back to live with his mother. After the cool off time, they were on better terms.
Song Zhengyuan
Zhengyuan was a teacher who was also interested in music. He would work with the local theater troupe and that was how he met A-jie. He had also had a meet-cute with Sanlian, in which she had helped him retrieve a box of his things, which was full of musical instruments.
It seems that Zhengyuan had always been gay, but he’d tried to hide it for the benefit of his family. It came as a big shock to Sanlian because he had essentially lied their entire relationship. He was never attracted to her and she could never compete because she wasn’t a man.
That was what Zhengyuan was afraid of, that was why he insisted that he and A-jie hid their relationship from those around them, because he didn’t want to hurt them. But in the end, he couldn’t take it and he left Sanlian and Chengxi anyway. Nonetheless, Sanlian did love him, though her love might have been mixed in with some resentment as well.
What’s done is done, but one takeaway I had from Zhengyuan’s story was that he was loved, but he wasn’t right about everything. He was so sure that hiding the truth would protect everyone, but instead it was the lies that hurt everyone. He hurt Sanlian and he hurt Chengxi. But look at A-jie and his mother. They thought that A-jie’s mother would be hurt knowing that her only remaining son was gay, but she accepted it. Not all family do, but by telling the truth, you give people the opportunity to accept who you are.
Themes
Family
This was a big theme in the movie. After all, that is how all of the characters are connected. What Chengxi and his mother are going through, that is normal, but it’s a hurdle that all have to get through, and even if A-jie didn’t know A-jie or Chengxi well, he respected that Chengxi was Zhengyuan’s son and he understood that Sanlian like his own mom was just trying to take care of her son.
Sanlian was distraught that their family was broken up by her husband’s departure. She’d worked hard, becoming the kind of mom that no one likes because she wanted a good life for her family and her son. Chengxi, he was just annoyed at his mom, he thought she was greedy. He couldn’t see through that she was hurting because of his father, not until the end. A-jie loved his mom, and he wanted to keep the lie so that they wouldn’t be broken, so that they’d have a good relationship forever.
When A-jie asked Zhengyuan that his mother asked who Zhengyuan was to him, Zhengyuan insisted that on the outside, they should be platonic friends. That they had to keep the lie to protect the family, that was their responsibility. Zhengyuan and A-jie too were people who wanted to protect their families, though Zhengyuan still left his family in the end.
There really isn’t a statement to be said about family in this movie, but clearly all of the characters care for their families, just in different ways, and not always the right way. But the characters will always find a way to express their love for the ones they care about.
Queerness
Zhengyuan felt that his homosexuality was something he had to cover up. He even married a woman even though he wasn’t attracted to her, hoping to satisfy his parents. So when he and A-jie fell into a relationship, he insisted that they hid it. Things were simpler for A-jie, he was just a single man in the eyes of his mom. His mom expressed to Sanlian that she wondered if he was gay, and Sanlian thought that maybe she was against her son being homosexual. Sanlian used that to try to blackmail A-jie into giving the insurance policy to him.
When Sanlian outed A-jie to his mom, she didn’t seem super excited about it. I think she realized what she was doing to her. A-jie’s mom was kind. She was mistaken about Sanlian, but she had done nothing and I think Sanlian wondered how she would have felt in her shoes. But we saw that families have capacity for love that is just as strong as romantic love. A-jie’s mother loved her son just the same because he was her son, and his sexual orientation was just a part of it.
Lies
The reason why Sanlian was so distraught was because she’d been lied to by a man she built her whole life with. With how annoying moms are, she built her entire personality over working for a family. So when the man left her, her compass was all messed. Of course she felt betrayed that Zhengyuan would even do this to her if he never loved her. Because of the betrayal, that was why she wanted the money, because that was the only thing Zhengyuan could give her, since he wasn’t with her physically anymore. At that time, she felt that her son was slipping out of her fingers too. At one point A-jie said that he didn’t do anything to get her son on his side and Sanlian was annoyed because the implication was that A-jie didn’t even have to do anything and he would take her entire family with her (her husband, her son).
But at the end of the movie, I think the only way for Sanlian to find peace was to move past the lies and start fresh with her son.
Overall
Really touching movie. Simple in story and yet complex in characters.
Spoilers.
Story
In the aftermath of Song Zhengyuan’s death, his widow Liu Sanlian and his lover Gao Yujie (A-jie) were embroiled in a fight over the life insurance money. As all teenagers do, Song Chengxi was having a tough time living with his overbearing mother, and went to A-jie’s place to live. Still worried for her son, Sanlian would go to A-jie’s often to care for her son but would ask A-jie to hide that she had done anything. As the movie went on, we would see flashbacks in the characters’ lives, particularly their relationships with Song Zhengyuan.
After one particularly tough day, Sanlian went to A-jie’s mother and revealed to her that her son was gay, and a homewrecker. Sanlian had been feeling wronged to have lost everything after she gave up so much for her family.
To pay for Song Zhengyuan’s medical treatments, A-jie had borrowed money and gotten involved with a bad crowd. The loan sharks had broken A-jie’s foot and Chengxi called Sanlian for help. They took him to the hospital. However, it was the first showing of A-jie’s play, and he needed to make it. Sanlian and Chengxi took him and watched the movie. Sanlian understood that the play had to debut on that day because it was Zhengyuan’s birthday, and Zhengyuan’s musical contributions to the theater troupe was how he and A-jie had met. So the show was a representation of A-jie’s love for Zhengyuan. At the end of the play, Zhengyuan’s mother came to greet him with flowers.
Sanlian let A-jie have the insurance benefits, probably because she realized that he was in deep medical debt. Chengxi returned home to Sanlian and they reconciled. They also stopped seeing their therapist, who Sanlian thought was kind of useless. Chengxi said that his mother felt that the best way forward was to not really see each other again and to live their own lives.
The story itself was fairly simple, but it was more about the character journeys. Sanlian had to come to terms with whether her husband’s feelings for her were real, as well as trying to maintain a relationship with a son who hated her overbearing nature. A-jie reflected on his love but he also had to confront the fact that he was lying to his mother about his personal life. Chengxi also had to learn to pick up the pieces of the messy life that the adults had left him.
Production
The acting was really good. The characters themselves were good, but I thought they had great chemistry with each other, particularly Sanlian and A-jie. The editing was really interesting too, the way certain things were highlighted or blocked out with scribbles on screen, perhaps to frame it a certain way for Chengxi, the child in the situation. But that also gave the movie charm.
Characters
Liu Sanlian
Your typical annoying mom character. She hated A-jie for taking her husband and her insurance money and she would not let go of the insurance money. She was also overbearing to her son though in very typical mom ways. She wanted to clean his room, she wanted him to take his studies seriously etc.
Chengxi became very annoyed with his mom because she was making such a big fuss. Of course, it’s very embarrassing for your mother to make such a big commotion. He accused her of only caring about money, and he also later accused her of only marrying his father for money. Sanlian was exasperated, but she didn’t quite have the words to explain it. My interpretation was that she had already lost her husband, and half-lost her son. The only thing she could gain from her relationship with Zhengyuan was money. Practically speaking, she wanted the money to take her son to a better school overseas. But from an emotional sense, it was her only way of recouping her losses. She asked the therapist whether any of her relationship with Zhengyuan was real. That’s hard to answer. But whether or not it was real, he was not hers in the end. And for much of the movie, she felt that A-jie had stolen her son along too, so she felt that all she could get was the money.
When Chengxi was living with A-jie, Sanlian was constantly coming over to make sure the place was appropriate for her son, and to cook food for him. But she knew that Chengxi was angry at her so she needed A-jie to pretend that the food was made by him. While Chengxi was still angry at his mother, I think A-jie was more sympathetic to her. A-jie cared for his mom a lot, and he understood the sacrifice and worry that mothers go through for their sons.
Chengxi and Sanlian reconnected when A-jie’s foot was broken and they took him to the hospital, and then to the theater. During the show, I think Sanlian understood that A-jie did have true feelings for Zhengyuan, that he grieved just as she did, though he did have the benefit of being with him in his final days. But I think she understood that Zhengyuan did leave her something. She did have Chengxi, her son. So maybe that was why she was in a better place to yield the insurance policy to A-jie.
At the end of the play, A-jie’s mom came to greet him with flowers. Sanlian had originally outed A-jie to his mother as revenge. But at the end of the movie, I think she understood that no matter what, her child was her child. She would never give up on her son for something like that.
In a letter, it was revealed that Chengxi and Sanlian stopped seeing the therapist because Sanlian thought they didn’t really help. We saw that Chengxi went home and the two joked around, reconciling their relationship. This was a rough patch, but they’ll be okay.
Gao Yujie
A-jie was Zhengyuan’s lover. He was an actor at a theater troupe. Zhengyuan had left his family to live with A-jie, and when Zhengyuan became very ill, it was A-jie who cared for him. A-jie acted very chill and unbothered by Sanlian. However, when it came to Chengxi, he insisted that he respect his mother. A-jie reluctantly allowed for Chengxi to stay in his house, only because Chengxi wouldn’t leave. And he would wheedle him a bit here and there, chatting about the few things they shared in common, Zhengyuan.
In a flashback conversation with Zhengyuan, A-jie expressed his love for Zhengyuan, and asked what their relationship was. Zhengyuan insisted that they had to hide their relationship to protect the ones they loved, because A-jie liked Zhengyuan, but he loved his mother. He thought that him being gay would be a huge shock to his mother.
A-jie was very nonchalant about getting his leg broken, but he really wanted to make opening night for his play. We saw in a flashback that he had met Zhengyuan at the theater troupe. Zhengyuan taught computer science but was interested in music and he would donate instruments to the theater troupe. That was how he and A-jie met and fell in love. So that was likely why it meant so much to him to be able to act in the play.
I forgot when this happened in the play, but Sanlian told A-jie that she’d outed him to his mother, but I don’t remember A-jie having too big of a reaction. At the end of the movie, A-jie’s mother came to greet him with flowers. A-jie would have known that his mother knew about his sexual orientation but she still loved him. I thought that scene was very moving, for A-jie to realize that his mother’s love did not have limits.
Sanlian left the insurance policy to A-jie and A-jie thanked her but she ran away exasperated. But it’s implied that it was an amicable parting.
Song Chengxi
Chengxi was the son of Zhengyuan and Sanlian. He was very annoyed about his mother’s behaviour towards A-jie. He thought she was really annoying, and drawing unnecessary attention. He was also very annoyed with her at home. He thought she was really dramatic, acting like it was the end of the world whenever Chengxi wouldn’t listen to her. It got so bad that he ran away to live with A-jie.
All A-jie wanted was for Chengxi to get out of his business. But he was very particular about Chengxi being respectful to his mother. When living with A-jie, the times were quiet. A-jie would just buy food for him, let him do his homework, etc. A-jie would actually sometimes try to bother him a bit, like that scene where Chengxi was doing his homework and A-jie kept touching his things. A-jie expressed that if he was Chengxi, he would have been really angry at A-jie. I don’t know how Chengxi took that, but I think he understood that A-jie was more sympathetic to him than he might have expected.
During the movie, Chengxi was seeing a therapist. He struggled to open up, but he did on occasion ask questions. He was struggling with his relationship with his mother, but he was also trying to figure out what kind of person A-jie was, whether he was a good person or not. But there isn’t really a right answer to that. Yes, A-jie was responsible for taking his father away, but through his interactions with A-jie, Chengxi realized that he was just a man.
Chengxi called his mother for help when A-jie got his leg broken. In fact, A-jie was the most chill about the situation. The play was more of an experience for A-jie and Sanlian. But I think that time with his mother allowed Chengxi to calm down and understand that she wasn’t heartless, she was just suffering in a different way. Chengxi was Zhengyuan’s son, and A-jie was Zhengyuan’s lover, his husband. So what was Sanlian to Zhengyuan?
Before he died, Zhengyuan had gone to Chengxi’s school to take a look at him, but he didn’t want to approach him, saying he would do it after he got better. He never did. Chengxi’s relationship with his father was very muddy. I don’t think he hated him, but he was conflicted. But I think through this movie, Chengxi at least got some clarity over the other adults, his mother and A-jie. He understood that they were all grieving in their own ways because of their unique relationships to Zhengyuan.
At the end, Chengxi left A-jie’s and went back to live with his mother. After the cool off time, they were on better terms.
Song Zhengyuan
Zhengyuan was a teacher who was also interested in music. He would work with the local theater troupe and that was how he met A-jie. He had also had a meet-cute with Sanlian, in which she had helped him retrieve a box of his things, which was full of musical instruments.
It seems that Zhengyuan had always been gay, but he’d tried to hide it for the benefit of his family. It came as a big shock to Sanlian because he had essentially lied their entire relationship. He was never attracted to her and she could never compete because she wasn’t a man.
That was what Zhengyuan was afraid of, that was why he insisted that he and A-jie hid their relationship from those around them, because he didn’t want to hurt them. But in the end, he couldn’t take it and he left Sanlian and Chengxi anyway. Nonetheless, Sanlian did love him, though her love might have been mixed in with some resentment as well.
What’s done is done, but one takeaway I had from Zhengyuan’s story was that he was loved, but he wasn’t right about everything. He was so sure that hiding the truth would protect everyone, but instead it was the lies that hurt everyone. He hurt Sanlian and he hurt Chengxi. But look at A-jie and his mother. They thought that A-jie’s mother would be hurt knowing that her only remaining son was gay, but she accepted it. Not all family do, but by telling the truth, you give people the opportunity to accept who you are.
Themes
Family
This was a big theme in the movie. After all, that is how all of the characters are connected. What Chengxi and his mother are going through, that is normal, but it’s a hurdle that all have to get through, and even if A-jie didn’t know A-jie or Chengxi well, he respected that Chengxi was Zhengyuan’s son and he understood that Sanlian like his own mom was just trying to take care of her son.
Sanlian was distraught that their family was broken up by her husband’s departure. She’d worked hard, becoming the kind of mom that no one likes because she wanted a good life for her family and her son. Chengxi, he was just annoyed at his mom, he thought she was greedy. He couldn’t see through that she was hurting because of his father, not until the end. A-jie loved his mom, and he wanted to keep the lie so that they wouldn’t be broken, so that they’d have a good relationship forever.
When A-jie asked Zhengyuan that his mother asked who Zhengyuan was to him, Zhengyuan insisted that on the outside, they should be platonic friends. That they had to keep the lie to protect the family, that was their responsibility. Zhengyuan and A-jie too were people who wanted to protect their families, though Zhengyuan still left his family in the end.
There really isn’t a statement to be said about family in this movie, but clearly all of the characters care for their families, just in different ways, and not always the right way. But the characters will always find a way to express their love for the ones they care about.
Queerness
Zhengyuan felt that his homosexuality was something he had to cover up. He even married a woman even though he wasn’t attracted to her, hoping to satisfy his parents. So when he and A-jie fell into a relationship, he insisted that they hid it. Things were simpler for A-jie, he was just a single man in the eyes of his mom. His mom expressed to Sanlian that she wondered if he was gay, and Sanlian thought that maybe she was against her son being homosexual. Sanlian used that to try to blackmail A-jie into giving the insurance policy to him.
When Sanlian outed A-jie to his mom, she didn’t seem super excited about it. I think she realized what she was doing to her. A-jie’s mom was kind. She was mistaken about Sanlian, but she had done nothing and I think Sanlian wondered how she would have felt in her shoes. But we saw that families have capacity for love that is just as strong as romantic love. A-jie’s mother loved her son just the same because he was her son, and his sexual orientation was just a part of it.
Lies
The reason why Sanlian was so distraught was because she’d been lied to by a man she built her whole life with. With how annoying moms are, she built her entire personality over working for a family. So when the man left her, her compass was all messed. Of course she felt betrayed that Zhengyuan would even do this to her if he never loved her. Because of the betrayal, that was why she wanted the money, because that was the only thing Zhengyuan could give her, since he wasn’t with her physically anymore. At that time, she felt that her son was slipping out of her fingers too. At one point A-jie said that he didn’t do anything to get her son on his side and Sanlian was annoyed because the implication was that A-jie didn’t even have to do anything and he would take her entire family with her (her husband, her son).
But at the end of the movie, I think the only way for Sanlian to find peace was to move past the lies and start fresh with her son.
Overall
Really touching movie. Simple in story and yet complex in characters.