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Thoughts: Childhood friends and emotional aspects of relationships
Based on what I've been reading and watching lately, I got to thinking about the differences between childhood friends to lovers in Western media vs. Chinese media.
Theoretical argument
Let me first talk about the Western perspective. While childhood friends to lovers is a trope, in reality many have dismissed it was being too weird. This is because people would often view their childhood friends as siblings, and thus it'd be unlikely to develop a sexual attraction to them.
However, in Chinese culture, childhood friends to lovers is far more common. In fact, there was a tradition in some cultures in which a girl would be sent to her future husband's family so that they could grow up together. To Western audiences, this would seem weird as those kids would likely see each other as siblings and not potential love partners, right?
My interpration is that Chinese people associate marriage more with trust and the responsibility of raising a family as opposed to romantic and sexual attraction. If you grew up with someone, you'd probably trust them to be sympathetic to you and the people you care about, right?
In addition, if you grew up with someone, you'd likely be really good friends with them. I'm of the opinion that a spouse should basically be your best best friend, but obviously that's not always true in practice. But based on that line of logic, wouldn't a best best friend made a good spouse, someone you could trust?
These are just my thoughts on this topic and I don't really have empirical evidence to back it up.
Examples
Now I want to talk about the media I'd recently consumed that made me think about this topic. These aren't exactly "case studies" but just topics I'd seen that I thought were a little related.
Martial Siblings
I'd been dipping my toe in the MDZS fandom lately not because I'm in the fandom but because there is SO MUCH DRAMA. I've never seen a fandom with this much drama, or maybe it's just that I've located users with lots to say.
One of the many topics of debate and discourse that I'd come across was martial siblings being called incest by Western audiences. To Chinese audiences including myself, this was such a facepalm moment because that's not what martial siblings are. There was another thread that mentioned that most audiences who knew nothing about MDZS thought that Wei Wuxian/Jiang Yanli was the main ship of the Untamed because being martial siblings raised their marriageability.
One of the issues was a fundamental misunderstanding of what a martial sibling was. Martial siblings are basically classmates who sometimes doubled as dormmates. In MDZS, Wei Wuxian was taken in as a disciple of Jiang Fengmian. I don't know if perhaps this was mistranslated as "adopted" and that was why there was discourse. The only other sign of Wei Wuxian being treated specially was just that Jiang Fengmian paid special attention to him because of his relationship with Wei Wuxian's father, or Wei Wuxian being in the ancestral hall. Otherwise, Wei Wuxian was only a disciple to the Jiang clan (never changed his surname) and thus a martial sibling of Jiang Cheng and Jiang Yanli (NOT an adoptive sibling and therefore not brother/sister).
Jiang Yanli calling Wei Wuxian her brother was a symbol of her lack of romantic affection for Wei Wuxian, not as their actual relationship. It's even common in the west to say that you treat your friends like brothers/sister, but that does not mean you were raised together as siblings.
As I mentioned, being martial siblings sometimes increases marriageability. Why is that? I think it goes back to the idea that growing up together makes you more likely to trust and be close with one another, which makes your martial sibling a great life partner. They've been attuned to your habits their entire life, and there isn't much of you they haven't seen before.
So apparently there's some huge discourse in MDZS fandom about Wei Wuxian/Jiang Cheng being incest because Western audiences think martial siblings are the same as siblings, which as we see in Chinese culture, they are not. There was some other discourse about sworn siblings and such and I think that was mostly a joke, in response to the WWX/JC antis.
Cousin Marriage
When I was a kid, my mom explained to me what "Tang" siblings were. If you and your cousin shared a surname because your fathers were siblings, then you were Tang siblings. My mom explained that Tang siblings were considered the closest cousins, so close that they couldn't marry. By that logic, marriage among other cousins was considered ok. Actually, I know some people in real life who've married cousins, though they are usually from older generations. I definitely think it's less popular now.
Recently, I watched the Story of Minglan, and it only occurred to me while watching why marriage among cousins was considered okay. Tang siblings are cousins but because their fathers are siblings, they end up living in the same household. However, all other cousins are from other families. This is because women were married off into other families. I think this was why marriage among cousins who were non-Tang siblings were fine.
In the Story of Minglan, Danju, one of the servants, was married to a cousin. It seemed they were a good match as Danju already knew him and thought he was a good person. There was also the case of He Hongwen who was being followed around by his cousin who seemed to have a huge desperate crush on him, but he had a soft spot for her because they'd known each other for a long time. And cousins were often brought up as possible marriage candidates for parents who wanted their kids to marry someone of similar social standing.
I'm not saying that cousin marriage was widespread. Rather, it was another option. In Story of Minglan, I think that option mostly stemmed from the fact that cousins came from different families and were thus outsiders and okay to marry. As well, I think cousins were usually a good option if the parents wanted a child that they knew they could trust to take care of their kid. So if they trusted their sibling, they probably felt they could trust their kid too.
Emotional aspect
People always say that romance in Chinese dramas are too chaste and not steamy, but I think a lot of it is because the emotional aspect is romanticized rather than the physical aspect.
I always bring up my favourite romantic fairy tale of the Cowherd and Weaver Girl. They only meet once a year, but during the course of the year, they are probably still thinking of one another. It's not about being with each other 24/7, but about making their time count when they are with one another. And when they aren't with one another, they make do with just thinking about each other because the thought of each other is enough to keep them going, and there is always hope and anticipation for the next time that they meet.
A few months ago, I had been reading the Legend of the Condor Heroes, where Huang Rong didn't even know much about sex because she was a teenager, but all she knew was that she loved Guo Jing and wanted to be with him forever. It never occurred to her that sex was something that married couples did, she was just happy to be a lifelong companion. In Chinese dramas we also see characters miraculously get pregnant and have a baby without sex ever being hinted to, though that is more of a censorship thing imo lol.
I definitely think that Chinese media and Chinese culture focus on the care aspect between lovers. There's a lot of pining and longing for one another. All of it seems chaste when compared to Western media that is not afraid to show sexual attraction. But I'm starting to think that in Chinese culture, the sexual aspect is just an afterthought. The most popular male celebrities are usually marketed as gentle and kind as opposed to sexy, and I think it says something about romantic relationships and what people look for in their significant others.
Not that Chinese people don't think about sex, because that would be an incorrect take. But I think it's pushed that the emotional attraction is more important than the sexual attraction because this is supposed to be the person you're living with for the rest of your life, the person you're suppose to rely on to be there for you whether it's about supporting kids, financial issues, career roadblocks, and other technical and logistical stuff. Sex is only one aspect of your lives together, and there are more non-sexual activities that you do with your spouse than sexual activities.
While sexual attraction is important, I think that Chinese culture pushes the friendship aspect more, which I agree with. It would be a problem if you felt like you couldn't talk to your spouse about your deepest worries, or trust them to do things like pick up groceries when you're not feeling well, because those are things that friends do with one another, it's just that spouses should be your bestest of friends.
Maybe I've been brainwashed, I don't know. I just like that the emotional connection is stressed more than physical attraction in Chinese media. I can't always relate to the sexually charged scenes that we see in Western media, and I guess I found something that was easier to understand for me in Chinese media.
Overall
This post was supposed to be about childhood friends to lovers and it turned into an emotional attraction vs. sexual attraction discussion. I didn't really have a thesis statement to make, this was more supposed to just be a series of thoughts.
Theoretical argument
Let me first talk about the Western perspective. While childhood friends to lovers is a trope, in reality many have dismissed it was being too weird. This is because people would often view their childhood friends as siblings, and thus it'd be unlikely to develop a sexual attraction to them.
However, in Chinese culture, childhood friends to lovers is far more common. In fact, there was a tradition in some cultures in which a girl would be sent to her future husband's family so that they could grow up together. To Western audiences, this would seem weird as those kids would likely see each other as siblings and not potential love partners, right?
My interpration is that Chinese people associate marriage more with trust and the responsibility of raising a family as opposed to romantic and sexual attraction. If you grew up with someone, you'd probably trust them to be sympathetic to you and the people you care about, right?
In addition, if you grew up with someone, you'd likely be really good friends with them. I'm of the opinion that a spouse should basically be your best best friend, but obviously that's not always true in practice. But based on that line of logic, wouldn't a best best friend made a good spouse, someone you could trust?
These are just my thoughts on this topic and I don't really have empirical evidence to back it up.
Examples
Now I want to talk about the media I'd recently consumed that made me think about this topic. These aren't exactly "case studies" but just topics I'd seen that I thought were a little related.
Martial Siblings
I'd been dipping my toe in the MDZS fandom lately not because I'm in the fandom but because there is SO MUCH DRAMA. I've never seen a fandom with this much drama, or maybe it's just that I've located users with lots to say.
One of the many topics of debate and discourse that I'd come across was martial siblings being called incest by Western audiences. To Chinese audiences including myself, this was such a facepalm moment because that's not what martial siblings are. There was another thread that mentioned that most audiences who knew nothing about MDZS thought that Wei Wuxian/Jiang Yanli was the main ship of the Untamed because being martial siblings raised their marriageability.
One of the issues was a fundamental misunderstanding of what a martial sibling was. Martial siblings are basically classmates who sometimes doubled as dormmates. In MDZS, Wei Wuxian was taken in as a disciple of Jiang Fengmian. I don't know if perhaps this was mistranslated as "adopted" and that was why there was discourse. The only other sign of Wei Wuxian being treated specially was just that Jiang Fengmian paid special attention to him because of his relationship with Wei Wuxian's father, or Wei Wuxian being in the ancestral hall. Otherwise, Wei Wuxian was only a disciple to the Jiang clan (never changed his surname) and thus a martial sibling of Jiang Cheng and Jiang Yanli (NOT an adoptive sibling and therefore not brother/sister).
Jiang Yanli calling Wei Wuxian her brother was a symbol of her lack of romantic affection for Wei Wuxian, not as their actual relationship. It's even common in the west to say that you treat your friends like brothers/sister, but that does not mean you were raised together as siblings.
As I mentioned, being martial siblings sometimes increases marriageability. Why is that? I think it goes back to the idea that growing up together makes you more likely to trust and be close with one another, which makes your martial sibling a great life partner. They've been attuned to your habits their entire life, and there isn't much of you they haven't seen before.
So apparently there's some huge discourse in MDZS fandom about Wei Wuxian/Jiang Cheng being incest because Western audiences think martial siblings are the same as siblings, which as we see in Chinese culture, they are not. There was some other discourse about sworn siblings and such and I think that was mostly a joke, in response to the WWX/JC antis.
Cousin Marriage
When I was a kid, my mom explained to me what "Tang" siblings were. If you and your cousin shared a surname because your fathers were siblings, then you were Tang siblings. My mom explained that Tang siblings were considered the closest cousins, so close that they couldn't marry. By that logic, marriage among other cousins was considered ok. Actually, I know some people in real life who've married cousins, though they are usually from older generations. I definitely think it's less popular now.
Recently, I watched the Story of Minglan, and it only occurred to me while watching why marriage among cousins was considered okay. Tang siblings are cousins but because their fathers are siblings, they end up living in the same household. However, all other cousins are from other families. This is because women were married off into other families. I think this was why marriage among cousins who were non-Tang siblings were fine.
In the Story of Minglan, Danju, one of the servants, was married to a cousin. It seemed they were a good match as Danju already knew him and thought he was a good person. There was also the case of He Hongwen who was being followed around by his cousin who seemed to have a huge desperate crush on him, but he had a soft spot for her because they'd known each other for a long time. And cousins were often brought up as possible marriage candidates for parents who wanted their kids to marry someone of similar social standing.
I'm not saying that cousin marriage was widespread. Rather, it was another option. In Story of Minglan, I think that option mostly stemmed from the fact that cousins came from different families and were thus outsiders and okay to marry. As well, I think cousins were usually a good option if the parents wanted a child that they knew they could trust to take care of their kid. So if they trusted their sibling, they probably felt they could trust their kid too.
Emotional aspect
People always say that romance in Chinese dramas are too chaste and not steamy, but I think a lot of it is because the emotional aspect is romanticized rather than the physical aspect.
I always bring up my favourite romantic fairy tale of the Cowherd and Weaver Girl. They only meet once a year, but during the course of the year, they are probably still thinking of one another. It's not about being with each other 24/7, but about making their time count when they are with one another. And when they aren't with one another, they make do with just thinking about each other because the thought of each other is enough to keep them going, and there is always hope and anticipation for the next time that they meet.
A few months ago, I had been reading the Legend of the Condor Heroes, where Huang Rong didn't even know much about sex because she was a teenager, but all she knew was that she loved Guo Jing and wanted to be with him forever. It never occurred to her that sex was something that married couples did, she was just happy to be a lifelong companion. In Chinese dramas we also see characters miraculously get pregnant and have a baby without sex ever being hinted to, though that is more of a censorship thing imo lol.
I definitely think that Chinese media and Chinese culture focus on the care aspect between lovers. There's a lot of pining and longing for one another. All of it seems chaste when compared to Western media that is not afraid to show sexual attraction. But I'm starting to think that in Chinese culture, the sexual aspect is just an afterthought. The most popular male celebrities are usually marketed as gentle and kind as opposed to sexy, and I think it says something about romantic relationships and what people look for in their significant others.
Not that Chinese people don't think about sex, because that would be an incorrect take. But I think it's pushed that the emotional attraction is more important than the sexual attraction because this is supposed to be the person you're living with for the rest of your life, the person you're suppose to rely on to be there for you whether it's about supporting kids, financial issues, career roadblocks, and other technical and logistical stuff. Sex is only one aspect of your lives together, and there are more non-sexual activities that you do with your spouse than sexual activities.
While sexual attraction is important, I think that Chinese culture pushes the friendship aspect more, which I agree with. It would be a problem if you felt like you couldn't talk to your spouse about your deepest worries, or trust them to do things like pick up groceries when you're not feeling well, because those are things that friends do with one another, it's just that spouses should be your bestest of friends.
Maybe I've been brainwashed, I don't know. I just like that the emotional connection is stressed more than physical attraction in Chinese media. I can't always relate to the sexually charged scenes that we see in Western media, and I guess I found something that was easier to understand for me in Chinese media.
Overall
This post was supposed to be about childhood friends to lovers and it turned into an emotional attraction vs. sexual attraction discussion. I didn't really have a thesis statement to make, this was more supposed to just be a series of thoughts.